Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
