I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
