Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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