I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
