Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
