I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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