life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The air was thick with penises
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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