u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
