You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
