He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
