I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
