hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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