omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
50% drunk capacity currently
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
