just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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