Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
