Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
