I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I need moral support for this bender
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
