Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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