I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
