he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
