sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
