we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
