its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
