I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
