alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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