Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
