can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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