where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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