He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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