well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
