Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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