Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
