the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You smell like stripper and shame
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
