I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
