...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
