I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
