My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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