I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
