I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
