for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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