Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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