I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
