i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
