I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
