Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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