i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
