Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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