I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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