I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
