I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
