Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
