A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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