And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well I just put wine in my tea
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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