I cannot find my penis.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
