And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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