I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
